She was blonde, nearly six feet tall, and was slightly chubby, but it looked extremely good on her. ”Your late Mr. Smith, The receptionist has already left for the day, and I was about to lock the door” she scolded. “No need to sign in, go directly to the examination room in the back.”I did as I was told, and sat there for nearly five minutes before the nurse entered the room. She rolled her eyes and said with disdain “Why are you still dressed!? Have you never been to the doctors before? Strip down naked so the doctor can examine you!” She stood there eyeing me with her arms folded in front of her, an impatient look on her face.“Are you going to stand there while I get undressed?” I asked meekly. I was definitely intimidated by this woman and her striking beauty. ”You don’t have anything I’ve not seen before; now strip before she gets here. You don’t want to waste her time do you?”” I guess not.” I said as I striped down naked under the watchful eye of the nurse. She did not avert. ’ ‘I can’t deal with this. It’s too much. Too fucking much. I can–‘ My words and my breath heaved in my chest, everything was made thick with sobs. ‘We’ll get through this. All right? We’ll get through this together.’ But would we? Would I? I wanted to say I had no doubt, but I didn’t feel that. A nurse came in and gave me a shot of something or other for the pain but the pain did not go away. It was in my head, tearing at me. I was dying. That’s what cancer is: death. In my back and in my liver I was rotting with death. Whatever they’d say, the doctors, it didn’t matter. It was already in me. I wanted to think positively, to have hope, to really believe that I could make it through this easily. But I was already blown out. Twenty minutes I spent like that, just crying my eyes out, sobbing and cursing. I wanted to just deny it all, pretend I never heard anything and admonish this diagnosis from reality. I wanted to wake up and this would all be one terrible dream and I would be home.
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